Sunday, 19 October 2014

F.F.F. (Far From Frisky)

                F.F.F. (Far From Frisky)

                In the sixties, we had Michael Caine as Alfie and Sean Connery as James Bond.  In the seventies, we had Warren Beatty in ‘Shampoo’ and Oliver Tobias in ‘The Stud’.  In the eighties we had Richard Gere portraying an ‘American Gigolo’ but, these days, our heroes are Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes and Jim Parsons a.k.a. Sheldon Cooper. 

                These guys are not only NOT playboys, but they are asexual; they have no interest in sex.  Both actors actually bat for the other side but, in the roles they portray, sex does NOT play a part in their lives.  They have other things that pre-occupy their minds.  

                Both characters have traces of Asperger’s Syndrome and/or OCD in their make-up, which probably knocks-out much sexual desire, but the biggest question is: why do we find these characters so appealing? 

                Gay men and women and straight women love them for their style, their intelligence, their wit etc. and straight men probably love them for all those reasons too, but why do straight men now idolise an asexual person?  Why do straight men love a character that doesn’t have sex or even lust after women?

                Could it be that being a red-blooded male is frequently painful and frustrating?  Could it be that constantly trying to be masculine, dynamic, decisive and persuasive is actually really fucking exhausting?  Could it be that many men are bored stiff of trying to be something they’re not?  Could it be that straight men admire a nerd who manages to look incredibly cool because, in truth, that’s what they are: quiet, polite, ordinary men who really wish they could be cool?

                Which is particularly disappointing for straight women looking for a strong, dashing, lusty prince, who doesn’t need to be asked twice to sweep you up in his arms and make passionate love to you!

                That’s not to say that lusty men don’t exist.  There will always be straight men looking for a wet hole to make a deposit.  It doesn’t really matter who the hole belongs to.  There will always be men that need to “de-spunk” and, if you can help them with it, they may even buy you dinner?

                For me, I find it very interesting that asexual men have become heroes.  In the worlds of these far-from-frisky role models, there is no sexual tension, no dirty jokes, no smouldering looks.  These guys are re-defining modern man.  It doesn’t really help women brought up on Prince Charming, Rhett Butler and John Shaft but, for many men, being alpha-male, super-stud, champion lover is not what they are; they have more in common with Sherlock and Sheldon!

Friday, 19 September 2014

Why Do Women Smile?

Why Do Women Smile?

                Why do women smile?  To be honest, I’m not totally sure.  I’m glad they do ... but I’m not sure how, after everything, they can still muster a smile.

                I’m definitely NOT going to say, “Sisters, I feel your pain,” or someone is bound to say, in a mildly mocking voice, “Sure you do, Lindsay!  You’re so in touch with your feminine side!”

                I’m not talking about period pain or childbirth pain, I’m not talking about body image pain, or even broken-heart pain (men feel that too!)

                I’m more talking about the amazing optimism that women retain.  Despite everything, they still retain their optimism.

                Many people have written about the disparity between men’s and women’s expectations.  Many men are looking for a porn star, whereas many women are looking for that romantic hero they saw in Disney cartoons and read in Mills & Boon novels.

                Most men are so far from being a romantic hero; it is equal parts tragic and hysterically funny!  Most men struggle to be decent boyfriends/husbands let alone chivalrous and heroic, and yet women still retain their optimism and always project a beautiful smile.

                Although some women don’t.  Some women don’t have the strength to smile.  They’ve suffered so many disappointments over so many years; the smile has been replaced with a scowl.  They can’t and don’t even want to make eye contact!   

                Most men are not just forgetful and inconsiderate; they torture women in a wide variety of ways, and that is a torture in itself; they are totally unaware of the pain they cause.

                Let’s take just one very common scenario: the day the man suggests a threesome!  On that day, he thinks he’s being adventurous and sexy.  On that day, by suggesting another woman joins them in bed, he thinks he’s turning-on his partner!  On the contrary!  On that day, he is totally destroying his woman’s self-esteem.  At that precise moment, far from making her feel sexy, he is making her feel like shit!  She suddenly begins to wonder if she’s still attractive to her man, whether her husband has already had sexual relations with the third party, and whether she’s eventually going to lose her man to the other woman!

                And every time they talk about it, he’s torturing her a little more!  Every time she thinks about it: it hurts.  When they plan it: it hurts.  And, if they eventually do it, it hurts even more.

                And yet women STILL smile!  Despite all the lies, deceit, unreasonable demands and complacency, women STILL smile! 


                Well ... what are the options?  Either they search or they give up the search but, even when they say they’re not looking ... they’re still looking!  Women can’t help themselves.  That’s just how they’re made.  They love romantic heroes and they’ll settle for nothing less.  Truly, nothing less will do.  Women’s eternal search for that one true love is a road riddled with painful potholes but they never lose their optimism.

                And – thankfully – they never lose their smile.

Sunday, 31 August 2014

The Reality

The Reality

                Too many people are hindered and virtually handicapped by pre-conceived notions.

                Clichéd thinking is a killer!  Stop thinking in clichés!  Don’t do it!  It’s irredeemably naff!

                Some people are clichés: yes, it’s true.  Some people are cardboard cut-outs.  They consider themselves part of a class or a tribe or a style movement, and they dress, talk and act accordingly.  Yes, these people are predictable and neatly fit into a box, but NOT all people are like that.

                Some people are originals.  Some people are full of contradictions.  Some people have mad quirks and frustrating ticks.  So what?  Let them be!

                You spend time with some people and you think to yourself, “Whoa!  Out there!” but not everyone is meek and mild, not every woman is 100% feminine, not every man is 100% masculine, not all women like shoes, all men do not like football. 

                Recognise what somebody is!  And, if you like them don’t try to change them!

                How would you feel if somebody said, “You’re a basically a decent person but I’d like you a whole lot more if you dressed smarter and weren’t so opinionated!”

                In your mind, you’d be thinking, “Fuck you!”

                Same with that dish you’ve just started talking to.  Yeah, you find them attractive but don’t start thinking about how you’re going to mould them.  Leave him or her alone!  Let them be!

                A crap husband will try to establish control and, in trying to establish control, will stomp all over her personality.

                A crap wife will do the same.  She’ll be thinking, “He’s cute, I need to tie him down quick!”

                Unlearn all you know and you will learn a whole lot more.  In courtship and relationships, be open-minded. 

                This amazing person you are falling for has this brilliant spark to their personality.  This person you can’t stop thinking about has shown you an intensity and a passion you’ve never felt before.  It’s scary but don’t try to change them!  You may think you know them based on your previous experiences but some people are original.  If you find one, don’t try and squeeze them into your pre-conceived notions.

                If you truly love someone, trust them to be themselves.

Sunday, 17 August 2014


                As the great philosopher Chris Rock once said, “Men are as faithful as their opportunities” and, as long as there are strong, independent and horny women out there, those opportunities are bound to come along.

                That’s not to say all men ACT on those opportunities.  Yes, some men do have self-control! (Shock!)

                But, for those guys who have no self-control (or just don’t give a fuck), these ‘opportunities’ will present themselves and illicit sex will occur.

                Fact: men don’t care what they fuck!  (Hence: bestiality!)  As the cliché goes, “You don’t need to see the mantelpiece to stoke the fire!”  Many married men will grab these opportunities, no matter what she looks like, and many a plain-looking girl is well aware of this fact!

                Most married women, on the other hand, need motivation.  They need a reason to be unfaithful.  And, more often than not, that reason is an inattentive husband!

                So, the crap husband is not just the bringer of a misery to a marriage, he is probably also the main cause of a woman’s infidelity.

                A man is inattentive for a number of reasons.  Yes, one of those reasons might be that his head is elsewhere (literally) but there may be other reasons: stress, fatigue, workload etc.

                Needless to say, NONE of these reasons are acceptable.  In a relationship, there not only has to be a work/life balance but a sleep/life balance.  It is the man’s duty to be well-rested and healthy!

                So, if the crap husband is inattentive and/or his life is unbalanced, the smart and stealthy female will sneak away and feel no way.  She won’t even be wracked with guilt!  She will feel she is totally justified.

                No, what she is doing isn’t right but, given men’s poor track record, men barely have a (third) leg to stand on!      

Thursday, 7 August 2014

War Of The Sexes

The War Of The Sexes

            One of the reasons why many relationships break down (other than the obvious) is that the battle of the sexes rages on, and the couple don’t even know.

            Boys and girls will have bad experiences as young adults and forever be on their guard, mistrustful of the opposite sex.  The war begins at an early age.

            So, not only is there poor communication within relationships, there is also mis-communication!  The two parties sometimes struggle to speak the same language and can be suspicious of the other’s motives.

            So, there is a toxic cocktail of mistrust, miscommunication, scepticism and fear destroying relationships on a daily basis.

            Some men become very confused when women express their arousal at domineering men and ‘rough sex’.  Women love a strong, masculine, ‘jump me anywhere’ man but this is all too much for the poor, un-evolved male brain.  Suddenly, he is thinking that, just because she likes her hair pulled, she is just the same as the geezer he plays football with a Monday evening.

            No.  Women are NOT the same as men.  They are the gentler sex and one has to be very gentle with them.

            Again, this statement will confuse the already-addled male brain.  He will hear women say, “Oh, men could never handle childbirth or periods or PMT!” and he will think to himself, “Okay, I get it! In their own way, women are strong!”

            Yes, women are amazingly strong and resilient (not to mention forgiving), but women are also sensitive in a way that men will never understand.  It’s not just a clitoris or a nipple that is sensitive, women are sensitive to other’s needs, sensitive to other’s feelings and (love this analogy), at any given time, they will have a hundred tabs open! 

            Women don’t want to say or do the wrong thing, they don’t want to embarrass you or themselves, women want to please and love and nurture, and so they are incredibly sensitive to what you’ve said and how you’re acting.

            And all of this is exhausting!

            So, yes, women are towers of strength, built to last (and full of contradictions) but they are STILL the gentler sex.  Be gentle with them.  And bring an end to the war.  

Saturday, 2 August 2014

Better To Give Than To Receive

Better To Give Than To Receive

            Many women believe that when they make love and/or have sex with their boyfriend/husband/partner they are giving.

            We use the terms ‘getting any’ or ‘getting some’ and, for many women, they can threaten a man by saying, “Guess who won’t be getting any?”

            Many women believe that by getting naked and/or opening their legs, they are ‘giving’ their body to the man or giving him some kind of treat.

            It’s quite a fucked-up dynamic.  With this kind of language and behaviour, the man is almost kept under manners by the threat of no sex.  Almost.  Needless to say, if sex is withheld, men will do one of two things, and we know what they are!

            Thus, the threat of ‘not getting any’ is very hollow.

            In fact, men should strive to destroy that dynamic.  They should stop the woman from feeling as if she is giving.

            For a successful relationship, not only should the man want but the woman should want.  The woman should want what the man has to give.

            Thus, the man needs to ensure that what he brings to the bedroom is worthy of a repeat performance. 

            If the woman feels she is ‘giving’ simply by showing up and getting naked, then sex has become a chore and the man is NOT delivering!

            There are now articles and books and films about ‘keeping it alive’ in the bedroom.  Boredom in the bedroom is the reason why a million relationships die.  Men need to change that dynamic and stop women from feeling that they are doing the giving!  

Sunday, 27 July 2014



            The great philosopher Janet Jackson once spoke the immortal line, “It’s all about control.”
            Of course, knowing what a naughty girl she is, she was probably talking about bondage, but ‘control’ certainly IS what it’s all about!

            Another important word is ‘discipline’.  Interesting how both ‘control’ and ‘discipline’ have become two innocent ways of describing very kinky sex?

            Men absolutely love control!  They love running the show.  They love being the boss.  They love having someone follow their orders.  Men love a 60-yard diagonal pass from one footballer to another, expertly controlled without breaking stride.  Men love the way the way a car controls and hugs the road at high speed.  And, of course, men love a remote control; it gives them a reason not to get up and increases the size of their tired arse with every passing year.

            And yet, ultimately, men have very little control and a poor appreciation of control! 

            There have been instances where we have discovered women enslaved to a man (or couple); trapped in a dank basement, existing only to service the master’s needs, but even these women eventually escaped!  The men’s control of them was for a period of time.

            When it comes to controlling sexual needs, men have very poor control.  They will always find a justification for their actions.  The list of justifications is long and amusing:

“I couldn’t control myself!”
“I don’t know what came over me!”
“It happened!”
“I don’t know what happened!”
“It was handed to me on a plate!”
“It won’t happen again!”

            So, men applaud control but have very little!

            Men can’t even aim straight when they urinate!  A sure sign of an immature man is an inability to piss straight, or clean-up behind them!

            And this ‘cleaning-up behind them’ is also related to control and discipline!  If you make a mess, clean it up!  If you drop something on the floor, pick it up!  There’s something amazingly arrogant about people who leave mess behind them.  It’s a “little people will take care of it” mentality!  Messy, careless, clumsy, arrogant people view YOU as ‘The Little People’.  You are their servants, the lower caste, the underlings who will clean up behind them.  You are lesser or lower than them, so you will clean up their mess!

            These people have no control over their actions, so they try to have control over you.

            So, ultimately, a relationship is all about control; a wrestle for power.  Establishing who controls what and who controls who is vital in a good relationship.    

            The most successful people in this world have the most control.  They control budgets, they control facets of the media, they control staff, and the only way they hold on to that control and status is through discipline.  Like clockwork, they get up early, they work hard, they work smart, they stay abreast of change, they keep their mind and body well-fuelled and well-oiled and, importantly, they manage to strike a fine balance between human and machine.

            A good husband has control.  He has control of his body, his finances, his future, his decisions, and he can urinate into a toilet without splashing the wall!